Posted on Saturday 23 September 2006
Edward Moore "Ted" Kennedy is the Senior Senator for Massachusetts.
Dear God,
I have a crush on Al Roker. Don't ask me why, or how it happened. It just did. Much like science, I have no control over it. I woke up one day and all I wanted was Al Roker. Maybe that explains the hicky on my neck. Okay, it's really a mosquito bite. But I tell people it's a hicky; it makes me feel desirable.
Now, I know I'm a guy. A politician. And we're not supposed to like other guys, but if people are going to judge me for loving somebody else then I'd rather quit. I'd turn into trailer trash for Roker. If that's not love then the
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's letter back to Bush:
George jaan,
You'd be better off somewhere in a prison cell maneuvering a useless wooden toy. I think you have too much to offer the world to get involved in this geopolitical mess. It's one big chess game played by idiotic dictators and paranoid reactionaries. Always has been. I understand that your administration has already made its decision and you will most likely rear your ugly ass where it doesn't belong, but can't you just tell them that your troops are allergic to sand or something?
Don't you ever sit down and try to comprehend how miserable the world around you is? I can imagine all too well the inter-galactic hopping 
Who's who:
Idriss Deby: Bad boy, used to lead coups and shit. He won Chad's first post-independence presidential election in 1996 and was unfortunately re-elected in 2001. Chad's in Africa, for those of you living under a rock.
Isaias Afewerki: President of Eritrea, a former Italian colony in Africa, since 1993.
Dear Afewerki,
I found one of your toenail clippings in my tractor yesterday and it got me thinking back to when we were in that death metal/bluegrass band while studying in Sudan. Even then, I knew there was something special about you, and I don't mean the extra ear. I know it's slushy and sentimental to look back and reminisce, but it's just the little things I miss 
"If Muslims are gonna riot and set fire to toilets as a reaction to these cartoons, then I can convince people of anything I fucking want, and no one will ever have the guts to tell me otherwise," said Abu Hamza al-Masri, who's been recently jailed for seven years after being found guilty of inciting murder and race hate. This is what al-Masri had to say during a brief interview:
-Why do you feel the need to boycott this product?
-I had a jumbo jack today, and it was fucking burnt. BURNT. I've never, ever had a burnt Jumbo Jack, in all my years of being a loyal customer at Jack-in-the-Box. So now I implore you to 
Since many people missed the State of the Union address and decided to read the transcript instead (so they don't have to look at Bush’s brussel sprout face), I decided to provide a copy of the speech for you to keep up with.
Dear America,
Some people get to sleep by counting imaginary sheep jumping over a fence or hedge. Last night, I tried a similar thing by counting all the punctuation marks that aren't in this speech.
However, I will refrain from using my Southern roots as a defense to my lack of correct grammar. Today we'll be talking about something much more important, and that’s minimizing our dependence on Middle Eastern oil sources. The less 
Shitire correspondents received this letter from Michael Jackson this morning, after a concerned fan e-mailed Michael asking about his whereabouts. We thought that we should upload this, in case anyone’s interested in what the Thriller star has been up to lately.
Dear everyone,
I wake up each morning with the same pain and demons that came to visit me a year and a half ago. I know that I'll never ever recover from it or stop it crushing me every single day. Something took away the best thing in my life without asking or warning me and it kills me like a razorblade through the chest, constantly. I won't go into detail as to what 
RUTGERS STATE UNIVERSITY -- 22-year-old business major Scott Matthews was throwing himself a housewarming party when the debilitating hallucinations occurred. Multiple witnesses say his psychotic episode seemed to be triggered by the sound of a popping balloon.
“Scott had just moved into a new apartment, so he invited us over for a party.” Says Mary Todd, a 21-year-old philosophy major. “He said he was going to name the place ‘Animal House,’ though we tried to explain to him several times that his situation wasn’t anything like the [National Lampoon] movie.”
By most accounts, Matthews’ party was a disappointment. Though there was plenty of alcohol present at the get-together, Matthews refused to offer any to his 
The following people are single/divorced/unhappy with their current significant others/stupid/lonely. They want you to be the only ray of sunshine in their bleak lives. If you’re interested in starting a relationship with any of these people, please contact me for their personal information: Their electronic e-mail, phone number, home address, the color of their house and the times they’re usually there.
Condoleezza Rice: Named after a variety of fig, lists 'slapping wallabies' as an interest, alongside playing the flute with her feet and making strawberry soup. Once mistakenly pounced on Donna Summer screaming “WHY WON’T YOU REFORM THE CLASH?”, has a phobia of her own eyebrows, regularly asking people in the same room “are they 
Boogers in Pakistan are highly revered. This is because of the lore of the Saint of the Boogers, who was rumored to mix boogers in herbal medicines that helped cure infidelity. Saint Booger’s birth anniversary is celebrated in a highly unique way – everyone picks their noses all day, the shrine is littered with booger offerings, devotees conjure up a hundred and one dishes that feature boogers in the ingredients, et al. In recent times, the Saint of the Booger’s shrine has been frequented by President Pervez Musharraf, who, after laying his 9 inch booger at the saint’s grave, immediately received a US$15 billion grant for his personal use. Following this event, all ministers and 
By Bertie Ahern, Ireland's prime minister.
My name is Bertie, Bert for short, and though you don’t know me, I am your worst friend. I am the one who leaves you waiting outside various meeting places in the rain, I'm the one who says "be there in ten" and arrives three hours later, and yes, I'm the friend you arrange to meet ten minutes earlier than you actually intend to be there just because you know I'll be late. On top of all this, I’m also the one who will say that I will call, and then doesn't.
I began writing this to explain in some small way, where I was making errors and thus correct 
Dear world,
Have we really achieved a hiatus where the most powerful country in the world is merely corrupt? The American civil war was a struggle founded on irreconcilable viewpoints. The Union won for a very chivalric reason. Right was on its side, and to them, war isn't always wrong. Even their name, The Union, has positive connotations, as opposed to confederacy with some very negative ones. I digress. Slavery as a notion has passed into history, though there are human activities which could be defined as akin to slavery. We still have a vast amount of slaving to do before we recover the innocent freedom from our modest beginnings in a modern complexity, but at